MSC in Action
Not sure if anyone can relate, but much of my life I have been riddled with a crippling fear. This isn’t the mild kind of fear, this is fear in capital letters!! Currently, I am bumping up against this capital letter beast with full force. Thankfully, I have my MSC tools at the ready. First and foremost, I need to keep breathing as I bring attention to my feet and the solid ground that is underneath me.
A little back story is important here. As a young girl, from age five to 12 years old, I took a variety of dance classes ranging from tap, jazz, modern and ballet. I loved it! My body best expresses itself in fluid movement. What I didn’t love though was the performing on stage. Before the recitals, my mom and I would practice for hours in our kitchen. She would play the song over and over again on the small portable record player as I learned the words to the song along with the steps.
Fast forward to recital day held at a large auditorium in the center of town. First came getting ready with both makeup and costume. Upon arrival at the music hall, I would first need to pose for the camera man as he quickly snapped dozens of pictures of me. I still have these glossy 5 by 7 pictures. When I look at them now, all I can see is this terrified young girl with a frozen smiled plastered on her face. What is so different now than back then is that I can name my fear, do one of my Mindful self-compassion practices and reach for support. Often times these actions help create a bit more breathing room between me and fear. As I child, my parents didn’t know how to support what I was feeling. It wasn’t their fault but it sure made for more fear and feelings of being more alone in it.
So why is FEAR showing up so strongly now you may wonder? Any guesses?? Let me fill you in. I have been drawn back to the world of movement, music and dance. At present, I am in the process of becoming a certified “Let your yoga dance” teacher. This journey has bumped up against the fear around performance, around perfection, around being seen. I forgot to mention that my recitals were often just me up onstage singing and dancing to a few popular show tunes. The amazing thing is how differently I am dealing with my unsettled feelings inside now then when I was a kid. As I mentioned earlier, I can now acknowledge what is going on inside me, reach out and ask for support as I find ways to be with this feeling.
Less than a week away, I am doing my last “Let your yoga dance” practice teach. I decided to go for it and have rented space at a local yoga studio. There may be a number of friends and family that show up for this offering. My intention is to feel the groundedness of Mother Earth under my feet, to look around the circle and take in the supportive attention, and to trust the way my body knows how to move as I let go and do the best that I can. If fear accompanies me, I will hold it gently and keep coming back to my realization that I don’t have to be perfect, this isn’t a performance and good enough is good enough!!